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Animated Atrocities 120/Transcript
Flec: (...) fresh from the belly naval lint! You know what? I just love corn fritters. Don't you? Just somethin' 'bout corn fritters, man, it just makes you feel... full! You know what I'm sayin'? Anyway you probably don't wanna talk about corn fritters or nothin' like that... Hey anyway, check this out! Listen to this! Uh... Jim? I think that taking those drugs was a really bad idea. What are you talking about? We haven't taken any drugs yet! Oh. Oh my God! In that case... Let's light up. We're gonna need 'em. We have an interesting specimen today. What you're seeing is an animation from the late 90's that was supposed to kickstart a short video series made by a Christian gospel group, the Gaithers. Well, more specifically, the son of one of the members. But it still has music from the Gaithers' vocal band. This means that, yeah, this is our first religious atrocity. I understand that alternative religious products have a very shoddy reputation, but not everything explicitly made to show religion or use religious themes is bad or cheaply made. For example, VeggieTales, which this is clearly trying to rip off, is really good. Also, as far as religion goes, they mention the Bible like three times and that's it. If they didn't do that at all, I wouldn't be able to tell that this had anything to do with religion. Now I think that this is the Gaithers' first attempt at animation. It definitely wasn't their last. They made a thing called Gaither's Pond, which I might get to in the future, but this is undoubtedly the worst. It is probably the worst... I'll call it a dropped pilot ...that I've ever seen. It's a strange little monstrosity filled with some of the cheapest 3D animation that you will ever see. The camera angles are confusing. The models are horribly uncanny. And the framing is just baffling. All of this is sprinkled on top of one of the most incoherent stories that I've ever seen. I watched this three times and we're on the level of Tentacolino or My Life Me. I can barely tell what happened. And this is how it starts. Voice: In the beginning, God created heavens and the earth. All that is seen and unseen... Oh dear... We're in for something big with this royalty-free music, aren't we? Oh, by the way, I hope that Comic-Sans doesn't piss you off, because there's a lot of text in this thing, and it's all in Comic-Sans*. * Only the "Mr. Poe and Yogul" intro uses Comic-Sans. Voice: And in the panorama that is the unseen beyond the secret world of the insect, beyond the atoms that form the grass they hide behind... Hey, do you want to speak up? I can't hear you over the music! And trust me, I don't need to hear this music! It's been used in literally every amateur space scene ever. And then, it happens! green splat forms a round creature who begins to sing Dorbees Everywhere I look I see Dorbees Rolling to and fro I see Dorbees Oh my God, what the fuck are those things!? Dorbees Everywhere I look I see Dorbees Okay, yes, but what are they?! They look like little monsters that are going to eat my face! I don't know how they made spheres look... this hideous. But it is a legitimate feat. If you're wondering, this was made in 1998. I know that this is a lower budget kind of thing, so I'm not expecting Toy Story, but this here is what CGI animation looked like in 1985! And even ignoring that, Beast Wars came out two years before this. And Reboot came out before that. And we can even add the aforementioned VeggieTales to the mix. But what really gets me is the camera framing. Half of the time the camera is way too close to someone's face. If this was live action, you'd be able to see the people's pores! The characters are constantly filling the screen and it gets very uncomfortable, like they're right in your face! But ignoring all of that, what the hell are we actually watching? There's a small guy floating up and backwards, disco seizure lights, a... a fucking cow...Upon first glance, this might seem like unadulterated nonsense, and to tell you the truth, it is. But each of these snippets comes from the actual episode that we'll be watching. I'm not kidding. We might get an explanation for them, but I doubt it... But let's talk about the theme song itself. Dorbees Rolling down the halls I see Dorbees Tiny little balls I see Dorbees Why don't they go away? Wait, what? Rolling to and fro I see Dorbees Why don't they go away? Okay... Pokemon - Gotta catch 'em all, Captain Planet - He's a hero, Dorbees... Why don't they go away? You do know that a theme song is supposed to advertise the show, right? And make it, like, very appealing to the audience? "Dorbees - Why don't they go away?" I'm trying to think how this makes any sort of sense. Well, maybe it's like sarcastic or something and they don't really mean it... We really mean it Why... Don't they go... Away? Well, fuck, then! And I just love the cheap Photoshop title card. Wait, was Photoshop a thing back in 1998? We open up on what looks like a southern country farm. I suppose this guy here is supposed to be our framing device, giving us an introduction to the stories and the moral. Or not. And away we go! Or yes... here we are. I am legitimately curious. How do you fuck up the camera in an animated short, especially here? All you needed to do was edit out a few seconds! It could be done in Windows Movie Maker. Delta: How y'all doing? Now allow me to introduce myself... Hey, buddy, My eyes. They're up here. Why are you looking at my right hand? Ignore the knife for a while. When we talk to other people, we look them in the eye. It's only polite. Delta: My name is Ol' Delta Dorbee, and most people 'round here call me Delta. But you can call me... Delta. chirping So, uh... that's the first joke in this thing. And that is the highlight of the humor. It's going to be a wild ride, I can tell. Delta: Yeah, I've been living... OH MY GOD, take a step back! It's called personal space, buddy! Delta: ...years, and I guess I've been playing this guitar for about 63 of those years. Riveting. Can I go now? Flec: Hey Delta! Hey man, come over here! You'll never guess what I found the other day when I was rummaging through a rancid pile of unwanted untainted fresh from the belly naval lint! Okay, so... what the fuck is that thing? Or more specifically, what the hell is wrong with it? I think this Dorbee has got a few defects. Flec: You know what? I just love corn critters. Don't you? Just somethin' 'bout corn critters, man, it just makes you feel... full! That's actually a very rare scientific phenomenon. It's been scarcely documented, so I don't fault you for not knowing about it. It's called FOOD! This... thing ...goes on rambling for two minutes, by the way. Delta: He's always around here someplace and he is crazy. I just love this. Still animation, Comic-Sans font, the most uncanny version you can find of a bare-bones egg shaped model with a background made in Microsoft Paint. I don't say this often, but I could do better. Hell, I could probably do better myself back in 1998, and I was six years old! So talking about how crazy Flec is leads Delta here to the moral of making decisions. That's what this short is about, if you couldn't tell. Delta: Tell you what it seems. You know, life in general always comes back to making decisions. And not just any decisions, mind you. The right decisions. Um... Delta? Uh.. can we have a heart to heart? Man to Dorbee? I'm watching "Dorbees: Making Decisions!" I think it's too late Delta: Take my little ball friends Jack and Mary Jane Dorbee. Now see, Jack... hehehe... That boy is a character, yes sir... NO. No, he's not. I can call him a caricature. He's a stereotype at best with very little personality. Delta: He's at school, but see, he really don't wanna be there, no... Polterprize writing right there. So we get our first story. Remember, the "moral" here, if you can call it that, is about making the right decisions. Teacher: As you can see, the isolation of the parallelogram is-- Ah shit, Mr. Douglas is on speed again. "ooh" in amazement, making bizarre faces NEVER... DO THAT... AGAIN. Teacher: What's really exciting about this is the fact that the sum of of the total of all sides is 90 degrees! Okay, well, first of all, sides of a polygon don't have degrees. The corners do. And all the corners of a triangle always total 180 degrees. You fucking drew a square there to showcase that one of the angles is 90 degrees specifically, and you did it twice to identical triangles for some reason. So... uh... what I'm trying to say is you're not making it seem like it's the right choice for Mary Jane and Jack to be there if they're getting wrong information! hear the noisy classroom I think that someone's kids just got into the recording studio! I-It's so jarring; they sound a lot younger than the voice acting we just heard. So Jack gives Mary Jane a ransom note. The two of them ask to see the nurse, and this whole short goes to Wonderland really quickly. What the hell is up with the lighting in this scene? Alarm: Code red. Code red. Escape attempt detected. Complete lockdown in t-minus 3 minutes. Okay, what the fuck? I don't know where to begin with this one. Let's start with the fact that this happened with them literally two seconds out of class. What if they really did have to go to the nurse? But beyond that, considering that the school is literally trying to kill the kids who are escaping, it doesn't make it seem like it's a good place for them to be, for ANY reason at all! This is thinly veiled propaganda about the benefits of homeschooling, isn't it? Actually, I think it's trying to be a homage to the Indiana Jones and James Bond series, at the same time. Mary Jane even has a grappling hook. Then they run through hallways. I think they're trying to dodge booby traps, but it's too dark to see anything! Do you watch these things before you put them to air? Oh, and they run into a giant boulder that tracks them down. Like, the kids have magnetic microchips planted into their bloodstreams. What the hell am I watching? And then Jack becomes a ball and rolls away. You know, it's at times like this that I just wanna turn this off and change it to something else. the show, a green fat guy on the couch does literally what Enter states, changing the channel back to Delta Oh shit, not that! ANYTHING but that! Delta: Now y'all, I hate to see them skip school. Yep, that always leads to trouble. Yeah, I remember when little Jimmy tried to skip school, and got his arm hacked off by some swinging axe blades! Delta: Mmhmm... Speaking of trouble, this young Dorbee right here is about to find some. So, uh... are Dorbees like Silent Hill creatures? This guy is Otto. He comes from Scandinavia, and because of that fact, apparently he needs new clothes. All of this is lost in a story about a drummer with one stick and a broken arm. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT DELTA IS TALKING ABOUT!! Not only is just rambling nonsense, it's BARELY audible! And all the words just run into each other. It'd be funny if it didn't go on for minutes on end! And the banjo twang in the background is not helping! Now we follow Otto. Shit, is that the Terminator? You know, I said that this was trying to cash in on VeggieTales, but I think I was wrong.I think we're watching a dystopian science fiction series. Think about it. There's a school that tries to teach kids literally wrong information and make them stupider, and if they don't want to listen to this propaganda, the school right up and tries to kill them. And once they finally get out, we got the Terminator who's trying to blend in and probably track them down and finish the job. So Otto enters the clothing store. A curtain rises up and... what the hell? Oh finally. Thank God. The drugs are starting to kick in. (Caption: Nope, this is actuall an effect, from the animation.) What do you mean we still haven't taken any drugs!? Apparently, this is Digs. Digs: Welcome to Digs' Duds. Hit me with some skin. Otto: Thank you. I am Otto. I am looking for some clothes that will make me more discrete. Now I think this is supposed to show how impossible that request is, but because everything in this animation looks like ass, it's not conveyed at all. And the plot of this story crumbles to bits because of it! And we got ourselves a musical number. Digs: You know, Otto, everybody knows it's clothes that make the man. So let me break it down to you like this. You wanna look so groovy, like an actor in a movie Remember when I said that a Christian gospel group was behind this? Well yeah, that's the Gaithers vocal band. They've actually won several awards, including two Grammy's. They've even been inducted into the gospel hall of fame. Ya go to Dig's Ya go to Dig's Small or big So what I'm saying is the music is the best part about this, and the only part that I consider good. And they should continue with their day jobs and NEVER ''animate anything ever again! Because the animation that accompanies this... it's just wrong. Also, when this goes on forever, the guy on the sofa changes the channel back to Mary Jane and Jack. Oh my God, I knew it! We WERE in Silent Hill all along! Now that is a good twist! I can hear Harry Mason asking me right now... ''Have you seen a little girl? still frames of Mary Jane[ Uhhhh.... Uhhhhh... I DON'T KNOW!! [sobbing So they come up to a haunted house and Jack goes on and on about how they need to go into the house to prove that they're grown ups. Then the sound cuts out. I don't know if it's just my copy, but right here, there is no sound! I don't think we missed anything important though. I could follow the story as well as possible without this segment. Mary Jane: My mama says that it could be dangerous and we might get hurt. You know, unlike the school with its pits and boulders! I guess that she's just feeling overly secured because they got ride of the flamethrowers last month. Then we get our next song. And I've got to say it's actually pretty good. I kinda like this song. Jack: Come on, Mary Jane! I mean, live a little. What have we got to lose anyway? Mary Jane: I dunno, Jack. That house still scares me. Jack: Aw, come on! You know... We're eight years old What have we got to show for it? I mean, this song is hilarious as fuck. Just look at the visuals. The trumpeting squirrels get me every time. Something inside that scary old house might be our ticket in I wanna be grown up I ain't a kid no more I was when I was four, but that was long ago Half of the time Jack is facing away from the camera, and it all ends with this glorious helicopter dipping them spotlights. And then at the end there are these dancing flowers that show yes, we have gone full Groovenians. You can find the full song on YouTube, and if you can stomach the... uh... less canny visuals, it might be worth a watch on its own. Although the lyrics leave a lot to be desired... No curlers, no hair berets Doesn't matter if I get wet Cause now I'm on my own Jack: And look at that old house! I wish I could, but... you know... the fog. Also, this is just a nitpick, but the Roman numerals at the end (MCMVIIIX) are wrong. The X should be before the V. And even if you did that, it would show that this is 1918. These are the Roman numerals they should have used. MCMXCVIII Then for some reason, we cut back to Otto and Digs. And we see a bunch of pictures with Otto in what I believe is supposed to be ridiculous costumes. But I cannot, for the life of me, see what's supposed to be wrong. They just look as ridiculous as what he's already wearing. What everybody is wearing, including Digs! And also, this back and forth... it really disjoints things. Usually in these compilation films, the stories are told one at a time. That is for a reason. It breaks the pacing and immersion if you do this. And speaking of which, the guy on the sofa changes the channel to a weird German access television show about a superhero named Mr. Poe and his sidekick Yogul, where they try to fight an evil French cow. The funny part is that you think I'm kidding! Announcer: Dorbee German Access Channel presents... Mr. Poe & Yogul. Who's da Strongest Dorbee in the world Who's loved by every boy and girl and yak! It's Mr. Poe And Yogul This is my favorite part of the movie because it's not a part of the movie! No, I didn't edit this in. And no, my friends and I didn't try to make a little something to make fun of Dorbees. This is in the movie as I found it! The movie literally stops to show us this full short about Mr. Poe and Yogul, that has nothing to do with either one of the two stories, and it has nothing to do with the quote-unquote "moral!" It's like the movie got bored with itself! By the way, this... this Mr. Poe and Yogul thing, it's not a quick joke. It goes on for six minutes! I'm not kidding! Considering they were planning a full series out of this shit, I can't tell why they didn't wait on this one. Especially because if you remove this Mr. Poe and Yogul shit, its time length would be much more accepted for a television pilot. But let's see what this interruption has for us. Maybe it's good. Narrator: Last time we saw our crime destroying duo in the clutches of their evil nemesis, Dr. Dairy... Dr. Dairy: I'm a moo! Narrator: Now Dr. Dairy has captured Mr. Poe's trusty assistant Yogul and strapped him to his evil stretching machine. You know, the thing with this is that the production quality is so bad that in moments like this, I can't tell if it's just an attempt at a joke or if they're trying to be serious and they're just that bad an edit! Dr. Dairy: He will never find you this time. You see, my factory is secured by electrical fencing and reinforced by... fuel tempered chickens. What do you expect me to say? I have literally no idea what the hell is going on here. To make things worse, the cow talks so quietly I can barely hear what he's saying! Dr. Dairy: incoherently to himself I haven't felt this fucking confused since Tentacolino! That's some rendering right there. So what happens next is I have no fucking idea! Mr. Poe starts pulling random things out of his ass while Yogul goes on singing. to Yogul singing an awkwardly bad cover of "U Can't Touch This" And it's some of the worst that I've heard in quite some time, obviously done on purpose. I'm sorry, but this just goes on and on and at no point is it funny or even really interesting. I don't care what Mr. Poe is going to pull out of his ass! This all ends when Mr. Poe finds a power box. It gives him the options to push for world peace, push to end world hunger, and push to free Yogul. And with him being a superhero, and this movie about making "the right choices," and "doing the right thing," he only presses the button to free Yogul. I think that this is supposed to be a joke, but I don't get it. It's never explained why he can't press them all, and it really shits on the idea of Mr. Poe being a superhero and this whole movie about making "the right decisions!" Sorry, Yogul, but if the other choices are world peace and ending world hunger, your death could save millions! And that unfortunately would be the most moral solution! Mr. Poe: There is only one thing that can stop a cow cold in his tracks! Poe pulls out a car with headlights on That's deer, idiot! And with Mr. Poe having frozen the deer cow, Yogul runs and tips the cow over because why the hell not? Okay, so... guess what happens next. Nevermind after this you won't be able to. Couch guy changes the channel to a lava lamp! Hey, couch guy? We need to talk. We-- We've really need to have a discussion about this. WE DON'T NEED YOU HERE!!! YOU CAN GO HOME!! We already have a framing device and we don't need a second one! All you're doing is wasting shit and being distracting! And considering this lava lamp and you changing the channel to Mr. Poe and Yogul, you're actually bad at being a framing device!! Speaking of which, the Dorbee on speed from the beginning pops out of the lava lamp and goes on a random tangent. So Otto goes on about how he's so happy that Digs is being honest to hammer in the point that Otto hasn't been honest. Apparently Otto doesn't look good in these clothes and Digs has been lying to him. I honestly could not tell. And of course, this gets Digs to be honest, and he tells Otto that he looks ugly and he can't possibly make him look good, despite being the best clothing shop in town. That's the right and moral decision. Okay. And he tells him that he should only wear Swedish clothing and that it's wrong to integrate into a society that you have immigrated to. Okay... Now that we're actually out of distractions, we can return to the actual story! And to our foray into Silent Hill. Okay, what's with the weird lighting effects in this short? Can't you control that in 3D editing programs? And here we have another scene where Dorbees tries to tell us jokes. At the same time, this is also a moment where they're trying to make the house seem dark and foreboding. to Mary Jane in an empty room with a giant arrow reading "This way to Jimmy Hoffa" Mary Jane: Hey, look! Jack: What? Mary Jane: An astro ball! Jack: Cool, an astro ball! Uhh... what? Jimmy Hoffa... Astro ball... Is there some political subtext here? Because I have no idea what the hell this is trying to imply. That Jimmy Hoffa is an astro ball? Yeah, he-- he's a guy who disappeared, but... I don't get what they're trying to say. And the camera just... holds on the sign. It's like pausing for laughter. Laughter that's never gonna come. Also, Elvis! Elvis: Uh, hey son, you got any 'nanners? Jack: groan Elvis: Oh baby, close that door then. Tryin' to get my eat on. Elvis in a haunted house wanting to eat bananas. Or maybe 'nanners is a type of drug that I haven't heard about. After this I think I'm gonna try some! Jack tries to get them to climb up the stair, but he falls down a hole with the astro ball. And of course, the only way to get him out is to go get help. Then this happens. News Reporter: Today two young students were caught trespassing in an old abandoned house. We here at Channel 2.3 feel their hurt, feel their pain, and feel their need. We feel their longing to be free. But they did skip school and disobey their parents, so I can't help but feel that somehow they deserve it. Kid might die, but because they skipped school, they deserve it! I know that skipping school is bad, and it's the moral that you might wanna hammer in, but you don't have to be this damn callous about it! "Hey, the medical chart says that Jack is going to need to get his legs amputated because of the damage from the fall. He landed on some nails and disease is running rampantly on his flesh. He's never going to walk again. But because he skipped school, he definitely deserves it!" ...A school that tried to kill him with a boulder! So Jack reunites with his parents and everyone breaks into a show-stopping musical number that beautifully shows that they no longer give a shit. Flec: Beam me up, Scotty! up out of thin air Hehehe... That's pretty neat, ain't it? ....Oh I'm sorry, you makin' a point? I didn't mean to-- Hey y'all, sorry y'all, hey kids. You know what I'm just gonna-- Okay, I think that we're just about done here. Delta: Like I was saying, life is about choices. And the good one, it ain't always easy to make. But if you pray to the good Lord... I mean, really pray to the good Lord... He's gonna keep you on the straight and narrow. Okay, so God wants me to stay in a school that is okay with killing me if I try to escape and telling Swedish people that they look ugly if they don't want to wear clothes made by their own culture. Uhhhh... good to know! Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to get to work on a super... secret... project... Category:Transcripts Category:Season 4